今天，一对与我关系密切的远方夫妇给我寄了一封短短的电邮，但我却回复了一封长长的电邮。本来想公式化地回复他们的提问，谁知却把我这一年来的心事“简短”地与他们分享。我想能分享是好的，或许他们可以给我一些意见。毕竟他们是看着我“成长”的，可算是我的Spiritual Parents吧。以下便是我们的电邮内容：
Hi jutina,
Auntie yee bin wish to know more about your study - ie., yourschool, yourcourse, your departure time. She has some friend in tai nan whoshould beable to receive and help you. Kindly email to her.
Sin Guan
我的回复：
Hi all,
thanks for all your concern. I am really happy to hear that, frankly speaking, really feel fearful of going there to study alone.
I am applying for the Drama Creation and Application Master course in National University of Tainan (NUTN). If they accept me, I will be leaving in next year Feb. the term starts on 22 Feb. The results of the application will only be out in Dec. But I was thinking of going over to take a look during the Dec holidays, but can't find anyone to go with me. Do u think your friend can help me during this Dec?
You know what, my mum disagreed to let me go in the 1st place. After my grandma, aunties and uncles have "brainwashed" her, and after I have appeared in the newspaper on my research in drama education, then she realised that I have potential in this. She finally allowed to let me go. I thank God for this opening.
Having to make this decision to further my studies, besides having a passion in drama education, it also gives me a chance to get out of spore and to find passion and explorations in life. Somehow, I have this fear of not living my life to the fullest, esp. I am getting older each day. Though teaching has always been my ambition since young, but I do not want to find myself being tied down in MOE for the rest of my lives, esp. when I look back at the age of 40, I am fearful to realise that its bcoz I have no more choices in life but to TEACH. This sounds miserable to me. I wonder whether this kinds of thoughts are sound or not as a Christian, but I would want to live a meaningful life. People around me seems to be happy with their current lives, not sure becoz if they are simple and contented, or they have never think about such matters like me. Actually, I am also a simple person.I hope I am not zuan niu jiao jian, as I have always reminded myself not to. Maybe, I have not been committing my life to God as I shld. What I have shared here, I have not share to anyone else, bcoz I think maybe no one can understand my thoughts, perhaps u will.
Maybe with your life experiences, you can "counsel" me. Haha.
In fact, I also don't have much confidence in able to get accepted by the Uni, though people around me giving me much hope and encouragement (This is me you know, always trying not to put too much hope in things. I am a pessimistic optimist.) But i know i still got to pray about it. I know of one missionary pastor from SBC whom I shared with about applying for this course. I asked him how do I pray for this and wonder whether this is God's plan for me. But then he told me that I shld pray about how I can use what I have learn from the course in God's service. I think what he has said is correct, I think I can really use what I have studied to serve Him.
For the past 1 year, I think I have been facing several dilemnas/confusions about my life's direction and career. Guess maybe I think too much, but its good to think much though. Anyway, after my studies, I still have bond to fulfil with MOE. So maybe, I just concentrate on praying for my studies.
Wah, I have shared so much. I think this email has given me hope and opportunity to seek guidance.
So do pray for me to be enlightened.
Thanks ya.
U have given me some hope.
Regards,
Jutina
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